Hello, I’m so excited to be back to blogging! Thank you so much for being patient with my while I took a couple of weeks off to work on some larger projects. My ebook Self Care Secrets will be coming out along with Sweet Success Society‘s paid membership launch so stay tuned for that! In the meantime, here’s another Quarter Life Crisis Confessions. It’s been a little while since I’ve written one of these, but I went all out on this one apparently. I’ll be honest with you guys, I was literally crying while writing this, so you know that it’s going to be very raw and honest. Please be kind. Again, thanks for being you and for sticking around. You’re the best!
Today, I had an epiphany. Actually, I’m smack dab in the middle of said epiphany as I write this. It’s not really the kind that you jump for joy at, either. It’s more a realization about something I’ve struggled with for my entire life and how that’s translated into my relationships. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it and move on, either. I mean, I suppose finally recognizing it is a start.
The Idea of the “Best Friend”
I’ve always wanted a best friend. You know, like the classic scenario where you mutually agree that you’re each other’s number one. The kind of friend that everybody know’s you’re each other’s best friend. When one of you shows up somewhere without the other, they ask where your other half is. I’ve wanted that since I was a kid. I’ve opened up my heart to so many people, thinking “maybe this will be my person”. I wanted them to be, so badly. Maybe they were for a short time. But a short time isn’t what I want in the type of meaningful friendship I’ve longed for.
Because I haven’t found this, I struggle a lot in relationships. I feel like I’m constantly in competition with everyone that anyone I’m close to is friends with. I always want to beat them in that person’s ranking of who’s most important to them. I’ve always wanted to be number one to someone, and I’ve hated anyone who’s stood in the way of that.
Even now, I struggle in my romantic relationship to comprehend my boyfriend’s close relationship with his friends. I don’t understand why they spend so much time together. I can’t stand the fact that he has female friends. Jealousy is something I deal with, and I don’t even know why because he’s the most supportive and loving boyfriend who constantly reassures me that I am his number one. It’s definitely a work in progress and I’ve slowly gotten a little bit better, but I still don’t know why I struggle so much to take his reassurance in. At least, I didn’t know why… until today.
My Expectations are Out-of-Whack
Growing up, I was often left out of things. I wasn’t the most hated kid by any means, but I definitely wasn’t miss popular either. When I did get a bit older and found myself having more friends, I felt like I had a higher value. I gained more confidence. But that meaningful “best friend” relationship I so badly wanted still left a hole in my existence.
As many of you know, I’m definitely what would be classified as a “highly sensitive person”, or HSP, if you will. Starting new relationships with people, whether romantic or platonic, terrifies me. When I do become comfortable enough to consider someone a friend (which isn’t very often if we’re being honest), I put my whole being into that relationship. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, and that’s been incredibly difficult, especially with this void that I’ve been trying to fill.
The truth is that nobody can live up to the expectations I’ve created in my mind about what an authentic friendship should look like. I want to… no, need to be someone’s number one. But without multiple people bringing different valuable assets into your life, you’re not really living a fulfilling life, are you? I know that it’s unrealistic of me to expect someone to put all their cards on me. I’m aware that despite this messed up picture I’ve created in my mind, that’s actually not what a healthy relationship looks like. Yet every time I realize I’m not the first person someone thinks about when they have exciting news or I’m not the first person they ask for help, it shatters me.
My Self-Worth is Tied to my Relationships
Why does it shatter me? Why do I put so much emphasis on needing to be number one in someone’s life? This is what I came to realize today. If I’m being completely raw and honest with myself, much of my own self-worth is tied to how I perceive how the people I’m close with rank me in their lives. How I didn’t realize this until today, I don’t really know. It seems so obvious now that it’s out there. The competitiveness, the jealousy, the emotions tied to the idea of a “best friend”… all of it comes down to this.
I’m horrified at this realization mostly because I don’t really know where to go from here. How do I shift a point-of-view I’ve had for 23 years into something more healthy? Of course, now that I’m aware of it, I know I’ll find a way to process and deal with it. I do know that it will take some time.
As a 23 year old, a lot of my peers are getting married. I think this is what has really brought this to the core of my attention. You see, with that idea of a “best friend” I’ve been talking about, also comes with it the “maid of honour”. It’s like our society wants to mess with us and make us fight to be someone’s maid of honour. I’ve never even been asked to be a bridesmaid, so you can see how these issues have arisen a little bit recently. Again, I’ve always wanted to be someone’s maid of honour, but the fact that I can’t think of anyone who would ask me to do that for them really triggered me. And once again, this idea has been engrained in my self-worth.
I feel frustrated with myself and with society. I’m frustrated with society because we’re constantly flooded with media that portrays people having best friends. I’m even more frustrated with myself for falling into that trap. Currently, I’m at a point where I’m scared to pursue friendships in fear of getting hurt again, and it really sucks. My boyfriend has so many wonderful friends who care so much about him, and while I’m incredibly happy for him that he does have that, I think I’m more envious than anything. I look at my own friendships overall and I feel frustrated and lost. I’m trying to find balance in my life so that I have multiple revenues to provide me with joy (not just spending time with my boyfriend), but this is making it really hard.
I know I’ll get through this. I’ve gotten through much larger obstacles before. I also know that I do have people in my life who love and support me, who will be by my side while I try to figure this out. I’m just not really sure how I’m going to do that yet.
So there you have it. Thank you for reading this incredibly personal post. I wanted to share this with you in the moment that I was feeling these things because I want anyone who feels anything similar to know that they’re not alone. Your feelings are valid. We can work on expressing those feelings in a more positive way together. I’ll keep you updated as I progress through this journey.
What are your thoughts on the idea of a “best friend”, or just being someone’s number one person in general? Let me know in the comments below, I would honestly love and appreciate your feedback. Please be kind when commenting, thank you!